Big things disguised as little things.

My Dad just told me he loves me.
It's the first time he has said that in 10 years.

It made me smile.

Laugh In Their Faces

I've spent all day listening to The Whitlams.
I find their music so loaded.
I played 'Love This City' on repeat through Year 12.
'Torch the Moon' brings me back into my relationship with Chris.
And 'Eternal Nightcap' makes me thankful of my best friend Tim.

Humm... I should stop procrastinating and get back to study.
But quite fittingly 'Laugh In Their Faces' is playing.

"...and they wouldn't have a clue about what it's like to be lazy when you've got too much to do!"
The story of my life. x

Sick of being sick!

Not a very interesting title I know.

I blame my lack of original thought on my current state of feeling "blah". Sickness has filled my weekend with sleep. Yes, that is all I have done. Ohh... that and eat (i [heart] strawberry jam on toast... drool!)

It's never good being sick, but it does have some positives. I've watched six episodes of 'America's Next Top Model', I haven't had to make my bed (because I am always in it), and I have rediscovered my blog!

So... I've dusted off the virtual cobwebs, read through some old blogs, and am ready to write something profound!

Humm... "i LiKE STUFF?!"

Okay, I agree... that was very lame. I think it's time for more Panadol and a small 'Nanna Nap'. I will try this 'blogging' business some other time. x

A snipit from a conversation with Amrita...

"Just because there is no one better in your life doesn't mean you don't deserve better."

It's just a 'mocha' phase!

I've changed.
And not in a 'I-haven't-showered-in-two-days-and-I’m-finally-changing-into-a-new-set-of-clothes' kinda way.
My change is more subtle.
It is from within.
And I am just starting to notice it.

No longer can I define myself as a 'double-strength-skinny-cap' kinda gal.
Now I'm a 'mocha' lady.

I don't know what made me turn to the 'dark chocolate side'.
Maybe it's the sweet aftertaste, or maybe it's my desire for to be different.
But I couldn't deny it any longer.
I had to admit it.

I told my Mum the news last night. She cried.
I told my co-workers at the coffee shop. They said it is just a phase.

The only support I got was from my Step Dad. He congratulated me, and said he knew I'd eventually see the joy of a good mocha.

So now I sit at my computer. Rain pouring outside; mocha in hand. I put the warm chocolaty drink to my lips, and savor the taste.
It is a little piece of heaven.

And I think to myself....
"this isn't a phase, it's a lifestyle choice!"

RUBBiSH

Work is rubbish... but it gives me time to draw rubbish illustrations.

Nuff' said, Vee

If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older!

I have been manipulating photographs from my childhood over the past few weeks. After a lot of Photoshop, stacks of cutting and a bit of painting I have come up with this.
I love how the piece evokes both confusion and nostalgia from the viewer... and am looking forward to creating more when holidays begin!!!

For more twisted childhood photographs check out:
http://butyoucanbemyfriend.deviantart.com

“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end”

Alex was my first real relationship. He was the first person I slept with. And the first person I fell in love with. I still adore him with all my heart and soul. He is kind hearted, generous, loyal, and gorgeous.

After a long shift at the coffee shop yesterday Alex picked me up from Spencer Street, and drove me home to Kew. That evening I tidied my room while Alex lay on my bed watching ‘Six Feet Under’. We barely talked, we didn’t need to. There was no awkward silence we just enjoyed each others company. Once my room was clean (quite a few hours later) we curled up on my bed and Alex held me. His embrace is still so familiar. We broke up two years ago, yet I still feel at home in his arms.

While the rest of the world slept we talked. We were honest and open. This isn’t something that comes easily to either of us. Part of the reason we broke up was our inability to communicate. Well, my inability to communicate. This has been a problem in all my relationships. It’s not because I am a deceitful or closed person. I just don’t want to say anything that will hurt the person I care about. I don’t want them to stop loving me.

Alex opened up to me about a relationship he had at the beginning of the year. He told how he still wanted to be with me, and how he is worried he will never find the same connection with someone else. He also asked me to tell him if there was any chance we would get back together.
I said there wasn’t.
As much as I knew I had to say it I didn’t want to. I know I have to let him move on, but part of me doesn’t want him to. Secretly I have always thought that in a few years (after I travel, set myself up as an artist and get a little more life experience) we would try again. I just am not ready to do that now. Things with Alex and I seem so final. I can see marriage, a big house in the suburbs and two point five children. It scares me. If we were to start dating again it would be forever. I couldn’t break his heart again.

The hard this is I know that in five years when I think I’ll be ready for my ‘happily ever after’ with Alex it will be too late. He will easily find a beautiful girl who will love him (and be too smart to ever let him go), and my opportunity will be gone.

Mummy, when I grow up I want to be an Illustrator!

The only reason I am doing Multimedia Design is to refine my skills as a digital artist. I know I am “a bit of alright” at what I do, but the last few months I have felt like a fraud in my degree. I can’t code. 3D modeling bores me to tears. And the last computer game I played was ‘Leisuresuit Larry’ in year five!

The only thing keeping me sane at Uni is my fantastic Illustration elective. It is run by a charismatic (and brutally honest) artist, Regi. Her wealth of knowledge about design, art and life is phenomenal. While everyone sneaks out of class early I have had the honor to stay back and get to know her over the semester.

I have put my heart and soul into this class, and have the results to prove it. Of the twenty assignments we have completed this semester I have achieved a HD for everything. Regi is so supportive of me, and honestly believes in my skill as an artist, (I have to admit it is nice to have the approval of someone you admire).

Over the holidays Regi invited me to the gallery opening of her next exhibition. In the coming semester she is going to help me create an Illustration based portfolio, and give me a list of contacts to break into the industry.

Illustration is my dream and soon it will be my reality.

I just popped two pills...

...and although I have house music blearing from my speakers my pupils aren't dilated, nor do I have an relentless urge to dance around my computer doing the 'Melbourne shuffle'.
Fingers crossed these Panadol make the throbbing headache that had has plaged me for the past two days disappear.

Humm...
thinking of making things disappear...
maybe I should add a little "Abracadabra" into the mix just for good measure!

To Esperanto or not to Esperanto... that is the question!

Last week Albie resigned from his role as Esperanto Art Editor. After six months he found the position to be too time consuming, life consuming and sanity consuming. I can relate, the only difference is that I did it for a year and a half. Although I support his decision, it does throw an imaginary 'spanner' in my next semester’s 'works'.

Basically my final assignment for Multimedia Design is to create Esperanto’s final edition… virtual style. I was hoping to work alongside Albie to design the edition, and then take it the step further the make the layouts, and adverts interactive.
But… this just doesn’t work if Albie isn’t there to be the designer.

What if the next design editor (which the Editors have only a few weeks to find) doesn’t design to the high standard I feel Albie and myself aspire to?
And then, what if I am forced to use their design for the edition virtual and it is crap?
Should I try to convince Albie to come back to the magazine?
Or… should I consider taking on the role of design Editor myself?

Humm… just say (for arguments sake) that I was considering becoming a part of the Editorial team. What is there to consider?

On the red team (the positives):
- I had this position before.
I have a good idea of what to expect from the role, and I know I can do a good job as designer of the magazine.
- Rather then doing four editions a semester, there are only three.
- I would have another three editions to add to my portfolio.
- I would be in control of the look and feel of the final edition.
This edition I would ultimately be the one used for my final Multimedia assignment.
- I will be entering the world of Esperanto without my previous ties to MONSU.
This would mean that I wouldn’t get mixed up in the trivial politics of the kids in the Student Union.

And on the blue team (the negatives):
- I may not be able to juggle all my commitments.
I will also be doing my Multimedia Design studio, Conceptual Illustration, and Professional Practice. Not to mention my part-time job and freelance graphics work. Can I manage all of this and remain sane?
- I will still have no free time.
Although that is becoming the story of my life.

“Mi havas kapodloron”

"Leave me alone (I'm lonley)"

I can’t believe it has been four months since I was sipping Chai in India.
It has been seven months since I resigned from my editorial position at Esperanto.
And (what shocked me the most) it has been a year since I was in a relationship.

It usually doesn’t dawn on me that I am single. I have am amazing circle of friends, a beautiful family, enough hours at the coffee shop, and a tone of Uni homework to fill my time.

Only now that I’m feeling unwell do I miss having a boyfriend. Rather then writing this indulgent blog I could sulk to my ‘sexy boy toy’ while he kisses my problems away. I could avoid my homework in his company, and fall asleep in his arms (my teddy bear is a terrible ‘big spoon’).

To make things worse I think my dating karma has finally come back to bite me in the ass. I always knew this day would come, but I thought it would be after my first divorce and at least then I would have my children to keep my company.

So far my track record goes something like this:
- I have never been dumped
- I’m always in long term relationship
- I feel like I'm always in control (I suppose I’ve never felt vulnerable as I knew the other person has always loved me more)
- There has always been someone on the horizon
- I have had a string of male ‘admirers’ to get me late night coffees, hang with me while I design, and spend time with me on my terms (gosh, writing that down makes me sound like such a spoilt bitch… I suppose I do deserve payback, giggle)

But all good things must come to an end.

I finally let my guard down around Pete and had that exploded in my face. He was in control, he called the shots, he stomped on my feelings, and now he is gone. There are no boys in the in the background, and all my wonderful single friends are getting into relationships. The worst thing is for the first time I'm starting to feel quite bitter about it all. As much as I am delighted that my friends are in love (or lust) it makes me feel that much more alone. It’s horrible to say, but I’m envious.

I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to jump into another relationship either. I don’t want to settle for someone or fall into a relationship of convenience. I’ve made that mistake before and intend to learn from it. The only downside of high standards is I don’t know how long I will have to wait for that special someone.

What if I never do and become one of those lonely cat ladies!
Humm… I don’t even like cats, I’m allergic to them.
Typical.

More Coffee HQ randomNESS!

I got to work at Spencer Street at 6am... only to realise my shift didn't start until 8am. With two hours up my sleeve (mind the pun, giggle) here is how I filled my time!

PS. Yes... I really do have a life... I promise!!!

My epic Saturday cont...

Meet Coffee HQs latest employee, Mandy Macchiato!

PS. Yes... I do have a life, giggle!!!

"Work... work... lets work!"

Excerpt for my day at work yesterday (as transcribed from a take away bag, “classy!”):

I'm going to write for writings sake. I'm at work, and desperately bored. The static filled reception from our antenaless radio is slowing eating away at what little sanity I have left. This morning has been nothing less then a comedy of errors. I got to work, and there was no float in the till. Recovered the float from the safe, and realized there was no coffee beans. Found coffee beans, and discovered there was no water entering the coffee machine. As the true handyman that I am I reconnected the water supply and… NO SHIT… water started spilling out in all directions. Onto our electrical toaster, all the fresh stock, the street and me!
The culprit... a huge gash in the man water pipe.

So I thought to myself... "What would MacGyver do?"
Industrial tape, mop bucket and toothpick in hand (okay... the toothpick might have been added for dramatic effect) I resourcefully fixed the troublesome pipe… or at least I through it was fixed!
** Insert suspense music here please **

Fifteen minutes later I heard a fait clicking sound. The noise speedily increased and so did the quantity of water gushing for the cracks in my makeshift pipe.

So I thought to myself... "Stuff MacGyver, Go off like the Hoff!"
And that is exactly what I did. I turned "off" the water supply for a quick fix. The only problem is now I am working at a coffee shop that can't serve coffee. Already hoards of people have abused at me for stopping them for getting their first caffeine hit for the day. But really they should think about me. I have been working since 6am on a Saturday morning without my "small-double-strength-skinny-mocha-with-extra-chocolate-power-on-top!".
** Raises fists to the air **

[ Adventure to be continued… ]

"I just know it"

When someone likes you, it isn’t hard to tell, ‘you just know it’. Put it down to being on the same wavelength, having an understanding or as cliché as chemistry. If there is passion between someone, ‘you just know it’.
The same could be said when a relationship ends, you also ‘just know’ it’s over. You fall out of love over time until ‘you just know’ you should break up.

Humm… where is this rambling leading?

Basically I had one of those ‘you just know’ realizations moments ago. I got an email for the boy I so dearly like, and it was clear that what we had is gone.

Our perfect moment together is over, and 'I just know it’.

i [ heart ] channel 31!

What is my favorite childhood memory?

Playing in the park with my Dad… no.
Buying copious amounts of sweets from our milk bar for only a few cents… nope.
Cutting my sisters long hair ‘Edward Sissorhand’ style… very close, but not quite!

So what is my favourite memory you ask?

As a child I would wake up every morning bright and early, and walk with stealth past my parent’s to our living room just down the hallway. I would switch the television on, turn the volume dial down to zero and sit inches away from the screen mesmerized by the colourful images dancing in front of me on… Fishcam! The brainchild of Channel 31, this quality programming has entertained and amused me for years.

It is with much sorrow I have to inform you that on March 4 2007 Channel 31 retired ‘Fishcam’.
** Vanessa wipes the tear flowing down her left cheek **
I have to admit that after this shocking programming decision by the network I didn’t think Channel 31 would have anything of quality to offer me.
I was wrong.

Let me set the scene:
At 5am this morning I was working away on some designs for a tough client. All I had to keep me company was the French electronica music blearing from my speakers (sorry neighbors), and the warm glow of the television. Frustrated with my mundane design work I looked up from my sketchpad to see the funniest sight… an ‘Aerobic Oz Style’ workout for 80 year old ladies with arthritis.
Okay, it’s not that I find the elderly funny, but watching them lift soup cans to the phat beats of electro music was incredibly humorous!
Humm… maybe it’s just because I am sleep deprived, but I would definitely recommend checking it out.

“Dooooooooo iiiiitttttttttttttt… doooooooo iiiiiittttttttt”

And when you do give into temptation (as I know you will) please call me. With the amount of homework I have to do over the next week I certainly will be awake with you laughing at those crazy Nanna’s (although this time I think I will try some classic House music, just to spice things up!).

Say “Hi” to your Grandma for me,
** giggles **

Miss Vee x

Can I have my money back?

I need a refund.

That is right... I want my money back.

Yes, I realize it was purchased a while ago. But honestly, is 23 years that long?

You know, there should be a lifetime guarantee, considering I was expecting to use it for at least 80 years.

What is wrong with it you ask? Where to start!
It has run out of creativity, it can't focus, it's lacking in intellect, it has an inability to organize information or organize itself, it needs excessive amounts of sleep to function… and I think it might be decreasing in size!

What… there is nothing you can do! YOU CAN’T GIVE ME A NEW BRAIN?! ARGH… May all your children have learning difficulties, and may they marry blondes!!!

Design drama!

Situation: I'm meeting a client for a design meeting today at 2pm.
Problem: I can't stay awake long enough to design anything... "Narcoleptic Nessy strikes again!"

In complete desperation I just pulled some strings and called in the experts!
** insert cheesy midday movie suspense music here **

Introducing...
"Mother" - able to harness a powerful combination of ingredients, with 100% natural energy
"The MilkyWay Kid" - not to be confused with his nemesis 'The MilkyBar Kid'
"The Starburst Sistaz" - described by others as 'snake like', these sisters will slither through your fingers and into your belly sooner then you can open 'Adobe Photoshop'.

Well I have some Bezier curves with my name on it!
Until next time...
"Viva la vector" xxx

Homework will be the death of me...

Boy... oh boy!

Why can’t we listen to good advice?
Why do we do things we know are bad for us?
Why do we want what we can’t have?

Okay… I am trying to put a certain boy out of my head. I know that my affection for him futile (and even more depressingly, one sided). If that isn’t bad enough he has run off to the other side of the world for half a year. I know all these things but emotionally I still can’t let him go. No wait, it’s not that I can’t let him go, it’s that I can’t let the ‘idea’ of him go.

He is artistic, friendly, and attractive. He’s what I want in a boy, and what I have tried so hard to find. Him going overseas doesn’t seem like the right ending... what about my ‘happily ever after’?

I know in reality this certain boy probably hasn’t thought twice about me since leaving Australia. I know that, but I won’t accept it. I can’t accept it. Regardless I am trying to move on, and was doing a pretty good job at it until it happened.

That’s right... I got contact.

After weeks of nothing I get a few uber cute and ever so quirky messages. And just like that all those silly feelings I tried so hard to suppress came flooding back!
The worst thing is the small validation I received from those messages was then shot to shit when I received nothing in return. And as shattered as I feel now, I know the cycle will happen again the next time he gets around to contacting me.

Yes, it's pathetic. I sound love sick, over-dramatic, and not a day over fifteen. As much as I wish I could control my emotions I can’t. I just hope that writing my feelings down will allow me to take some ownership over them. And most importantly I hope it will stop this pointless dribble from playing around in my head like a broken record. Remember Vanessa... you have homework to do!!!

Humm… my final thoughts?
”Throw rocks at boys, they smell!”

These shoes got soul!

Perrty new shoes...
I have perrty new shoes...
Look at my perrty new shoes...
I found my perrty shoes at an op shop...
I look like a 'fighter' in my perrty new shoes...
Wanna go out for coffee with my perrty new shoes?

I validated my metcard... now will you validate my existance?

Just about to train to work. Been using way too much public transport the last week.

Hug-a-bug,
That cool connex chick! x

I blame the full moon

The last few days strange things keep happening. Nothing profound, just a sequence of odd coincidences.

I know my phone is going to ring moments before it does.
Parts of my dreams come true.
A feeling of deja vu is following me.
Trusting my instincts has had very powerful postive results.
Supernatural things keep entering my life.

When doing my tarot cards last night I got the 'High Priestess' card as my signifier card. Here is what it means:

"The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know in order to make a decision about a problem or a job, an investment, love, career, family, etc.

And, finally, there is, behind her throne, the curtain that leads to the deepest, most esoteric and secret knowledge; the pomegranates that decorate it remind us of Persephone, who was taken down into the land of the dead, ate its fruit, and became the only goddess allowed to travel to and from that strange land. Which indicates that when you get the High Priestess, you're going to be learning some very odd things. Very odd."

Something is about to happen.
"I can feel it in my waters"

Vee x

Another day... another hair colour!

Last night I decided to dye my hair chocolate brown. Garnier Nutrisse Hair Dye in hand, the assistance of my stylist (and sister Cecelia), and a few hours to kill my new look was underway.

Waking up this morning I had a realization. In the harsh light of day my hair doesn’t look ‘chocolate brown’, it looks ‘dark, dark, dark, dark, dark charcoal black'.

"It's black like my soul!" Vanessa screams at the computer screen.

My little sister, Katelyn, is convinced I'm going 'Single White Female' on her arse, and taking over her identity. Okay, just like Katelyn I might have short hair, a killer side fringe, a MySpace account, a few piercings, black skinny jeans, and new addiction to blogging... BUT… there is one important difference between us.

I AM NOT EMO!

I don't write poetry about my shitty middle-class existence, there are no healed over scars on my wrists from a half arsed attempt at cutting myself, I don't hang on Flinders Street steps and I don't validate myself by the number of people who "comment me" on MySpace.

Hug-a-bug, Vee

I am my own worst enemy

I can't believe it is already May.
That means we are five months into the year. Or in other words we are almost half-way through 2007.
And I can't help but wonder (gosh I have been watching too many 'Sex in the City' repeats)... is the year half empty or half full?

In my eyes 2007 was going to be a year that held great promise and potential. I had just left a job that consumed me emotionally and creatively in 2006, taken a step back from my involvement University commitments, and started saying ‘no’ to people. In theory I should have copious amounts of spare time to take over the world with.
But somehow this isn’t the case.

I hate my current reality.
I am so behind with my University work (& scared I am going to fail my core subject), neglecting my friends, working too many hours at my pointless part-time job, in dept to Centerlink, and all the while my brain is too overworked to get me out of this trouble.
Huff... :(

You know what though?
This doesn't have to be my reality anymore. The first half of the year might have been pretty tragic, but the second half is going to be amazing.
I just need to start believing in myself.

~ I am... a talented illustrator, multimedia designer and artist

~ I am... going to get on top of my University homework

~ I am... a good friend.
Those who love me will understand that I need to take time out to organize my life, will support me when I need them, and will be there to party with me at the end.

~ I am... happy being single.
(WARNING: This is coming straight for a cheesy self-help book) "I need to love myself before I can love anyone else"

~ I am... allowed to take time out for myself.
Everything needs to be balanced. It is okay to go to the gym, meet a friend for coffee or go out dancing with a hot boy (Timmy) every now and then.

~ I am... going to save enough money to go overseas at the end of the year.

~ I am... going to be an organized person.
My diary will be my bible. I will make lists and then actually use them. I will stick to my daily plans.

~ I am... a unicorn.
"What the?"

~ I am... going to use this blog.
All these thoughts keep floating through my mind, and they are making me crazy!

Vee.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a girl called Vanessa.
Vanessa had a best friend called Tim.
Whatever Tim would do Vanessa would copy.
One day Tim started a 'Blogger' account to help remember all the fun adventures he had with Vanessa.
Soon after Vanessa also started a 'Blogger' account to record all the fun adventures she had with Tim.
And from that day forward Vanessa continued to write self-indulgent and pointless blogs happily ever after.