Alex was my first real relationship. He was the first person I slept with. And the first person I fell in love with. I still adore him with all my heart and soul. He is kind hearted, generous, loyal, and gorgeous.
After a long shift at the coffee shop yesterday Alex picked me up from Spencer Street, and drove me home to Kew. That evening I tidied my room while Alex lay on my bed watching ‘Six Feet Under’. We barely talked, we didn’t need to. There was no awkward silence we just enjoyed each others company. Once my room was clean (quite a few hours later) we curled up on my bed and Alex held me. His embrace is still so familiar. We broke up two years ago, yet I still feel at home in his arms.
While the rest of the world slept we talked. We were honest and open. This isn’t something that comes easily to either of us. Part of the reason we broke up was our inability to communicate. Well, my inability to communicate. This has been a problem in all my relationships. It’s not because I am a deceitful or closed person. I just don’t want to say anything that will hurt the person I care about. I don’t want them to stop loving me.
Alex opened up to me about a relationship he had at the beginning of the year. He told how he still wanted to be with me, and how he is worried he will never find the same connection with someone else. He also asked me to tell him if there was any chance we would get back together.
I said there wasn’t.
As much as I knew I had to say it I didn’t want to. I know I have to let him move on, but part of me doesn’t want him to. Secretly I have always thought that in a few years (after I travel, set myself up as an artist and get a little more life experience) we would try again. I just am not ready to do that now. Things with Alex and I seem so final. I can see marriage, a big house in the suburbs and two point five children. It scares me. If we were to start dating again it would be forever. I couldn’t break his heart again.
The hard this is I know that in five years when I think I’ll be ready for my ‘happily ever after’ with Alex it will be too late. He will easily find a beautiful girl who will love him (and be too smart to ever let him go), and my opportunity will be gone.
2 comments:
wow. that sounds so intense. its so hard...to let something that feels so right, pass by, just because of a few little things that are wrong. you know? especially when things are hard , or you're kinda lonely (not saying that you are) or..i dont know. it just sounds like a hard night. But a good night. Its also pretty awesome knowing people who love you that much. Who'll love you regardless and who , like you said, there are no akward pauses with.
first love is so dangerous. its like this thing that can just never be replaced and has magnetism for the rest of your life just because of what it is. if that makes sense. i dont think i'll ever fully escape mine, but at the same time, i'll never act on it again. but it will always be there. sometimes that thought makes me sad, but more often, makes me happy. hope you're happy too , ness! :)
just to get it out there, in some countries it's legal to have two wives, and in answer to the questions you're both thinking but would be too embarrassed to ask, the answer is "yes" and "yes".
:D?
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