"Leave me alone (I'm lonley)"

I can’t believe it has been four months since I was sipping Chai in India.
It has been seven months since I resigned from my editorial position at Esperanto.
And (what shocked me the most) it has been a year since I was in a relationship.

It usually doesn’t dawn on me that I am single. I have am amazing circle of friends, a beautiful family, enough hours at the coffee shop, and a tone of Uni homework to fill my time.

Only now that I’m feeling unwell do I miss having a boyfriend. Rather then writing this indulgent blog I could sulk to my ‘sexy boy toy’ while he kisses my problems away. I could avoid my homework in his company, and fall asleep in his arms (my teddy bear is a terrible ‘big spoon’).

To make things worse I think my dating karma has finally come back to bite me in the ass. I always knew this day would come, but I thought it would be after my first divorce and at least then I would have my children to keep my company.

So far my track record goes something like this:
- I have never been dumped
- I’m always in long term relationship
- I feel like I'm always in control (I suppose I’ve never felt vulnerable as I knew the other person has always loved me more)
- There has always been someone on the horizon
- I have had a string of male ‘admirers’ to get me late night coffees, hang with me while I design, and spend time with me on my terms (gosh, writing that down makes me sound like such a spoilt bitch… I suppose I do deserve payback, giggle)

But all good things must come to an end.

I finally let my guard down around Pete and had that exploded in my face. He was in control, he called the shots, he stomped on my feelings, and now he is gone. There are no boys in the in the background, and all my wonderful single friends are getting into relationships. The worst thing is for the first time I'm starting to feel quite bitter about it all. As much as I am delighted that my friends are in love (or lust) it makes me feel that much more alone. It’s horrible to say, but I’m envious.

I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to jump into another relationship either. I don’t want to settle for someone or fall into a relationship of convenience. I’ve made that mistake before and intend to learn from it. The only downside of high standards is I don’t know how long I will have to wait for that special someone.

What if I never do and become one of those lonely cat ladies!
Humm… I don’t even like cats, I’m allergic to them.
Typical.